A lost battle
by Ikasul
Summary: Oneshot - For others life seemed to be fine. Be it in danger or despair, they still held on to their hopes and believes, so, not to disappoint them and especially him, she tried to do the same. But unlike them, she had nothing to look forward to, nothing to give her hope and so, she had no choice, but to lose this battle as the first.


A lost battle

She was frustrated.

No matter what she tried, be it with electricity, acid or alcohol, the APTX 4869 just wouldn't stop infecting the cells, wouldn't stop reverting them. Despite all the time she put into this project, she couldn't understand how the heck it could fail.

For some reason it sometimes just didn't degenerate the cells completely, but only set them back to a certain state of evolution, the state of a grade-schooler. She was pretty convinced that it wasn't consistent and that the actual age of the victim could vary about a year, that is if they even got lucky enough to not die.

She sighed loudly and took the empty mug that stood on her table, still emitting the slight smell of the coffee that was in it. She knew perfectly well how unhealthy her enormous consume of the dark liquid must be, this was the 8th cup today, but she just needed it, needed the caffeine to keep her going.  
But lately it started to fail her.

Those moments in which she just wanted to throw everything to the pigs. Those moments when she just wanted to forget.

Forget all about some shitty organisation. Forget all about their stupid poison. Forget just everything… and go back to being like she looked: a child. It would be so easy to start anew. Go to school, have fun with their friends, panic because she forgot a test and celebrate because she aced another. All those precious little moments may seem trivial to other people, but for her, they resembled everything she never had and everything she never could have.

"No good, I start to get distracted again", the young scientist slowly breathed, trying to convince herself off going back to work, but failing miserably. Despite the 18 years she has lived and despite all the rationality she learned from them, she just couldn't bring herself to start again.

When she woke up in her bed at the professor's for the first time and when she breathed the air of freedom, she had all the motivation to dive into work, for the first time not creating a poison but an antidote. When she thinks back, it was remarkable how eager she was to succeed, how uncompromising she pressed forward wanting to prof her worth. But over the last year this enthusiasm gradually faded away, replaced by nothing at first and then by frustration.

If the professor had better ears, she didn't doubt he would have heard some of her curses, which she screamed in the darkness of the basement when another cure failed. At that time, it wasn't only the disappointment of her failures with the cure, but because of her disappointing him as well.

"You seriously need to stop this, it won't do you any good.", she tried to affirm, tried to prevent her brain from wandering off, but today it wouldn't work.

Was it the case they solved at school?The study session afterwards?Or the dinner she shared with him?

She didn't know.

But one of those things had to be the reason why her carefully build shield of ice started to crack. Since she denounced any romantic interest, she had enclosed her heart in frost, building it layer after layer to keep this lingering feeling inside. At that time, she had hoped that time and the absence of warmth would quench the smothering ember in her heart, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. Instead of snuffing out, the glowing cinder grew to a flickering flame and finally into a raging inferno, slowly melting away its prison.

She had known for quit some time, that it would eventually break and let those flaming feelings escape, but despite the knowledge, she was powerless to do anything. It was like being trapped in a tank of water. At first you try to calm yourself and search for a way to escape, when you find none, you think of the potential help that might come and when you realize there is none you start to panic. But the panic won't last forever and eventually you will get on terms with your fate. The last thing you do is just watch and suffer until your air runs out and everything fades to darkness.

Waiting for the inevitable. Waiting for everything to end.

If one were to see, how she approached the door to the garden, he would might think of her as a normal girl, wanting to observe the heavy clouds. But when the shrunken teen opened the door, she didn't see the clouds, didn't smell the humid air, didn't feel the cold grass beneath her bare foot and didn't notice the rain dripping on her cheek. All her senses, all her thoughts and everything she has, was focused on the burning sensation in her chest. It felt like a thousand blazing needles pierced her heart, attacking the fragile last layer of ice, protecting her mind from her raw feelings.

But when the pain grew she sunk to her knees, hands clutching her chest, trying to ease the searing pain.

But it was too much.

She could feel her mind cloud over, could feel the tears forming in her eyes and after her last resistance broke, she let it out.

The cry was filled with everything. Every ounce of pain, sorrow, grief, guilt, jealousy, envy, pride and despair she held in her tiny body and who now poured out into the night in a desperate scream.

When the dam broke, her tears mixed with the clear rain and ran down her face. Her knees gave in and she fell to the ground, slowly curling up on the ground. Heavy sobs echoed through the backyard while her whole body trembled and shook uncontrollably.

She had lost to herself.

For her, time has run out and just like when the world would meet it's end, everything faded away into darkness. Everything started to fail, first her vision blacked out, then her other senses went numb and finally her brain shut down.

Left, lying in the rain, was only the small body of a child in a pyjama and a lab coat.

A small child, drowning in her own emotions.

Losing to her heart.

* * *

Honestly, I have no clue why exactly I wrote this story or what this ending should show or tell you. Well that happens when your combine no sleep with depressing fanfics focused on Haibara. But somehow I do like how this story ended and I'm amazed how coherent I can write even when I'm half asleep.

But enough with the self-complementing, hope you liked it and let me know how you interpreted this story.

Farewell


End file.
